Middle of the Night Meanderings...

Well, it’s 3:30 am and I’ve had very little sleep.  I’m sure part of the reason is the steroids that they just started me on and part of it is the pain.  But as I lay here tonight, all I can think of is that my Jesus Is. So. Good.

I feel like I need to ask you a favor at this point.  Please, don’t feel sorry for me and please, please don’t think I’m a saint.  Just a few hours ago I was crying.  Crying because my pride was rearing its ugly head.  You see I’ve been told over the years that I have a very high pain tolerance.  Before my surgery seven weeks ago, I had been in terrible pain for quite awhile, but most days I was able to keep going.  I had people tell me that they had no idea that I was hurting that bad because I was able to slap on a smile and keep putting one foot in front of another.  So now, when I have been stopped in my tracks by this current pain, I at times feel like a failure.  Just hours ago I was telling my husband that I should be stronger…I should be able to work through this pain…but I can’t.

But as I lay here tonight, my Jesus just keeps asking me if I’m willing to praise Him in the pain.  Am I willing to face this mountain and show others that my Jesus is enough?  Am I willing to give up my pride and stop relying on my strength and start drawing from His strength? 

I have felt Jesus whispering to me tonight, saying that anyone can praise Him when things are going well.  It’s not hard to thank Him and raise our hands in praise when our life is on a smooth path with no pain, no heartache, no lack of strength.  But that doesn’t show others who are unsaved anything.  They aren’t going to be drawn to my Jesus because of my holding onto Him when life is a bowl of cherries.  They are going to be drawn to Him when they see that even in the darkest hours…my Jesus is enough and with Him, mountains can be moved.

So now, in the middle of the night, tears are once again falling, not because I’m wallowing in the fact that I’m not strong enough, but because Jesus is reminding me of how much I have been blessed.  I am seeing improvement in my recovery and am stronger than I was seven weeks ago.  I have a husband who deserves an award for being by my side for these past weeks.  I have an amazing family whom I love more than words can say.   I have a dear group of friends from our small group at church who have been “Jesus with skin on” for me during this time of recovery.  I have a larger group of friends who have also come alongside me during these days and brightened some dark moments and brought laughter at just the right times.

Most importantly, my Jesus has never left my side.  He hasn’t just watched from a distance…He has held me every second of every day and it is HIS strength that I know will see me through this.  And in HIS perfect timing…we will see this mountain moved.  So tonight I am choosing to praise my Jesus because He. Is. So. Good.